I have had so many unexpected
curveballs thrown my way here lately and I haven’t been prepared to deal with
them very well. Honestly, I have been nothing short of a mess for so much of
the last several months of my life. I have over consumed products, overate
disgusting food, and have been only going through the motions of life without
being mindful of one second of it.
Quite some time
ago, I practiced mindfulness. I was very dedicated to being in the present
moment each and every moment of my life. It was a challenge but it helped me
deal with stress better, I ate better, and I actually thought about what I was
doing before I did it. I made sure to carve the time out of my busy days to
write, read, paint, and do yoga EVERY DAY.. even multiple times a day. I
listened to NPR and kept up with all of the world’s issues, always making sure
to practice extreme gratitude for my light, easy, simple life. I listened to my
favorite music and laughed and cried along with my favorite podcasts (Dear
Sugar on WBUR if you need a new one to listen to, hint hint). I was a much more
pleasant person and I truly did more than just exist. I LIVED my life with the
purest intentions, paying attention, soaking up every precious detail. My heart
was bursting with gratefulness, love, and intention.
…But then one day
I just stopped. I put down my favorite fine point Sharpie markers that bled my
thoughts onto my pretty journals. I pushed my books out of sight and tried to
learn the work I was doing at the time. Instead of coming home excited to pick
up where I left off in a good book, I literally came home and crashed. The
numbness my mind felt was too exhausting to even read a page. I didn’t even
know where my iPod WAS. I couldn’t listen to my music or podcasts while I mindfully
folded our laundry because I was too exhausted to even do the LAUNDRY!!! I ate
fast food…. I FREAKING ATE FAST FOOD… nearly EVERY DAY. Something I was so
against and so cautious to plan my groceries and meal prep around FOR YEARS,
and I just stopped caring. I ate disgusting crap that made me feel like crap
just because it was easy. I stopped caring about becoming a better person. I
was fine how I was anyway, right? I tried really hard to just work and come
home and just do the “adult” thing and do what “matters” to so many people
around me, in the “grown-up” world. Work, come home, sleep. Work, come home,
sleep. I was not happy. I was merely existing, a hollow shell of the mindful,
joyful person I used to be.
So, a few weeks
ago I went back to my journals I kept during the times I was the best mentally,
physically, and emotionally, and dug in. I read my own words. I read the quotes
that had motivated me, I read about the foods that made me feel sick and the
moments that made me exude beams of happiness. I read so many things because
that was ME. That was who I REALLY was, not this boring person who didn’t care
about anything!! I knew I could be myself again even though it felt impossible
in that moment.
It happened over
night. I woke up one day last week and I had no place to be. I found my iPod
and blasted Vampire Weekend radio on Pandora and danced around our room while I
made our bed and put up our clothes. I made myself breakfast, I watched the
news, and I did some yoga. Then, I went to the closet inside my closet (long
story) and pulled out my bag full of my messy “Marina-ness.” I found a set of
my favorite Sharpies and a half-written in journal and sat down and just wrote
for the first time in months. I seriously just froze. I knew, that second, that
I was myself again.
Since that
morning, I have been working really hard at practicing mindfulness again. Being
mindful helps me not feel guilty for the time I let the world steal from me. I
didn’t soak up the precious little moments I was given for so long and I vow to
never let that happen to me again. Please friends, do not let the world,
adulthood, or anything else steal YOUR joy. Don’t conform to the world around
you. Truly appreciate this awesome life! Anyone can go through the motions but
it takes a mindful individual to really LIVE. Stay mindful and grateful
friends!
