Monday Mindfulness

   

     I have had so many unexpected curveballs thrown my way here lately and I haven’t been prepared to deal with them very well. Honestly, I have been nothing short of a mess for so much of the last several months of my life. I have over consumed products, overate disgusting food, and have been only going through the motions of life without being mindful of one second of it.  

     Quite some time ago, I practiced mindfulness. I was very dedicated to being in the present moment each and every moment of my life. It was a challenge but it helped me deal with stress better, I ate better, and I actually thought about what I was doing before I did it. I made sure to carve the time out of my busy days to write, read, paint, and do yoga EVERY DAY.. even multiple times a day. I listened to NPR and kept up with all of the world’s issues, always making sure to practice extreme gratitude for my light, easy, simple life. I listened to my favorite music and laughed and cried along with my favorite podcasts (Dear Sugar on WBUR if you need a new one to listen to, hint hint). I was a much more pleasant person and I truly did more than just exist. I LIVED my life with the purest intentions, paying attention, soaking up every precious detail. My heart was bursting with gratefulness, love, and intention.

     …But then one day I just stopped. I put down my favorite fine point Sharpie markers that bled my thoughts onto my pretty journals. I pushed my books out of sight and tried to learn the work I was doing at the time. Instead of coming home excited to pick up where I left off in a good book, I literally came home and crashed. The numbness my mind felt was too exhausting to even read a page. I didn’t even know where my iPod WAS. I couldn’t listen to my music or podcasts while I mindfully folded our laundry because I was too exhausted to even do the LAUNDRY!!! I ate fast food…. I FREAKING ATE FAST FOOD… nearly EVERY DAY. Something I was so against and so cautious to plan my groceries and meal prep around FOR YEARS, and I just stopped caring. I ate disgusting crap that made me feel like crap just because it was easy. I stopped caring about becoming a better person. I was fine how I was anyway, right? I tried really hard to just work and come home and just do the “adult” thing and do what “matters” to so many people around me, in the “grown-up” world. Work, come home, sleep. Work, come home, sleep. I was not happy. I was merely existing, a hollow shell of the mindful, joyful person I used to be.

     So, a few weeks ago I went back to my journals I kept during the times I was the best mentally, physically, and emotionally, and dug in. I read my own words. I read the quotes that had motivated me, I read about the foods that made me feel sick and the moments that made me exude beams of happiness. I read so many things because that was ME. That was who I REALLY was, not this boring person who didn’t care about anything!! I knew I could be myself again even though it felt impossible in that moment.

     It happened over night. I woke up one day last week and I had no place to be. I found my iPod and blasted Vampire Weekend radio on Pandora and danced around our room while I made our bed and put up our clothes. I made myself breakfast, I watched the news, and I did some yoga. Then, I went to the closet inside my closet (long story) and pulled out my bag full of my messy “Marina-ness.” I found a set of my favorite Sharpies and a half-written in journal and sat down and just wrote for the first time in months. I seriously just froze. I knew, that second, that I was myself again.

     Since that morning, I have been working really hard at practicing mindfulness again. Being mindful helps me not feel guilty for the time I let the world steal from me. I didn’t soak up the precious little moments I was given for so long and I vow to never let that happen to me again. Please friends, do not let the world, adulthood, or anything else steal YOUR joy. Don’t conform to the world around you. Truly appreciate this awesome life! Anyone can go through the motions but it takes a mindful individual to really LIVE. Stay mindful and grateful friends!